The Legend of the Bollywood Jane..!!

For all those (the dumb ones who did not watch what happened right after the song )who are still wondering whether Jumma DID give her Chumma (Kiss) to Tiger, the answer is Yes,she DID. Tiger (Big B’s name in Mukul Anand’s HUM) survived with minimum injuries and a face loaded with prints of the red lips (those were the days without the non-transferring Maybelline). And for all those dumb ones who are not aware of the entire set up of how Tiger becomes such a confident and demanding male ( as the words say -Jumma Chumma De De), the answer lies in the scene before the song (Bollywood has never believed in desynchronisation of plot points. Are you listening Christoper ‘Memento’ Nolan? ). Miss Jumma challenges Tiger to collect his hafta ( in the form of a coin) which has been rested in between her..you know where! Okay, her b@@bies. (Now c’mon if they can show it, I can well fucking write it down.) And what was at stake? Jumma would give Chumma (kiss) to Tiger on the day of Jumma. (Please do take note of the intelligence of the moviemaker in the choice of words and rhymes. ) Tiger lifts Jumma, makes her legs go up and face almost touching the ground and starts shaking well. The end result is that due to the vibratory motion and the gravitational force, the coin was attracted towards the centre of the earth. Hence,proved! And Tiger gets his share of Chummas. Mystery solved. But keeping aside the entire Jumma Chumma De De incident, I am still searching for answers to the question posted in the title: What happened to the legend of the Bollywood Jane-Kimi Katkar? Read the rest of this post »

Reading Lee Sargent’s QuitYourDayJob blog on Friday the 13th (His post on the Top 5 Horror Flicks ) gave me this idea to just blurt out on what this day represents in Indian cinema. Nothing. And if you thought Indian cinema can be scary, I would say, YES for all the wrong reasons. Scary when it is least meant to be, and when we start discussing at length of all the scares that Bollywood (or more so, its step sister/ illegitimate child, the B-grade Bollywood or what we’ll call as Bbolly) has offered in all our growing years of watching cinema, we have had more laughs and eyes filled with tears while we rolled on the floor pointing our fingers (the index one) at the makeup peeling off from the lady’s ..umm..face while Viju Khote runs through the corridor lit in red light. I can still vividly remember almost each and every cliche that scary movies had to offer in those days when satellite TV was yet to invade our lives. The local cinema theater (here called Gopinath, dedicated to the many bunked tuition classes ) was the one which offered the best of entertainment as titillation was a complete no no on the only existing National TV network. The posters used to bear the best that the movie had and names that would bring any Ekta Kapoor serial to shame (in sheer length).e.g. Paapi Gudiya Ka Insaaf (The justice of the Sinful Doll, a nice take on Chucky). But then, there were the short and sweet ones too.Veerana, Kafan,Saamri, Darwaza and many more of that legion fall into this category. So by now, you must have almost got the idea that what I’m gonna talk here is all about the deep shit scary stuff, not the ones with Vidya Balan singing “Aami Je Tomar” or Urmila Matondkar being exorcised. What’s happening here is that we discuss the many rules that have ruled Bbolly Horror, rules like Black Hairs and Wet White Saris, Smoke,Rapes and Shakti Kapoor,not necessarily in that order.

Rule no 1: We have to begin with the name. Shakespeare said,”What’s in a name?” Little did he know that centuries later, we would call him “Hilti Hui Nashpattee” or even change the first half of his last name to a 3 lettered word ending with an X. Anyway, the point is, the name plays a very vital role in the product placement. Names like Bhoot(ghost) or Pretaatma (similar meaning) just won’t work in Bbolly. Bbolly demands for graphic explanation. Best example is the latest flick at Alankar cinema: Bachke Rehna Zara Bhoot Bangle Main (Stay alert in the ghost house). Other popular Titles include: Pyaasi Padosan (Thirsty Neigbour). Sorry that was not a horror flick. We have many names named after Havelis and Mahals and Bunglows.But the ones which make it to my list are, Khoon Ki Pyaasi Dayan (The Lady Ghost who is Thristy of Blood) and Haveli Ke Peeche (Behind the Mansion). Other formats include description of timelines (Bees Saal Bad, Sau Saal Baad etc. 20 years later, A hundred years later etc )
Corollary to Rule 1: If name is to be kept short, set the mood right.
Ask the Ramsays. They know it best when it comes to naming movies after ambience/environment.
Start with the sound, go for the building, then a specific room and then doors. Next add an adjective.Ghungroo Ki Awaaz, Daak Bangla, Tahkhana,Guest House,Darwaza,Bandh Darwaza.(The sounds of the Ghungroo, The Bunglow, The Dungeon, Guest House– that you got, The Door, Closed Door) That’s what I meant!! Read the rest of this post »

Okay, I loved it. (So did the masses and the critics.) Iron Man i.e. in a Superhero way. It was such a relief ,given that Spidey 3 sucked more than Eureka Forbes. Robert Downey Jr. nailed it with his wit and the suit just perfectly suited him. The effects were visually seductive and the Taliban angle given to the kidnap of Tony Starkswas really smart. I am not a big fan of this Marvel Superhero though. Never knew that his “name outside the mask” is Tony Stark. Went back to read the trivia behind Tony Stark and discovered that he is actually one of the most flamboyant, rich, suave, a bit of a casanova and yes, has no superhuman powers- much like the Dark Knight. And that is what makes it look REAL. Right, so this is no review as you must have already guessed it. Here’s the twist. Ladies n Gents, presenting the Brand New Season Premiere-Pilot Post of Say What. And what is that? That’s what they actually said- or may be not. But then, it’s just fun. Here’s the Iron Man episode , and am sure everyone will enjoy it, in their own way. This is done with pure intention of creating a bit of humor and well that is it. Enjoy.

More Fun after the Jump

Read the rest of this post »

Whack-Thooo

First things first. HDTV presents??? How the hell is HDTV expanded into High Definition Motion Pictures? Ok, settle down Sujoy. We are here to witness Prabhuji Mithun’s legacy in a new avatar, his son Mimoh (fact: his name has two parts Mi-from Michael Jackson, Moh from Mohammad Ali). So he indulges in both the parts of his name, and meh! forget about doing justice to them. The titles start to roll on a cheap 70’s soundtrack and ooh, shiny disco Balls….and yes, it does seem like a take on Justin Timberlake- Rock ya Body. So, it begins. Let there be Light(s), Sound, Camera, Action!! So, here it goes.Rahul Dev -a cop gets a ring (as in a call) of a murder. Rushes to the spot mentioned, finds a lady buried and of course dead. Finds a Driving License there. It is of course of Jimmy,apna Jesus (son of God, no hurt feelings, please). And what is he doing? Trying to maintain the center of gravity of his 250 pounds of body weight, which is wrapped in a tight black pair of trousers, and a hat, and black shoes, and white socks. Get the Picture?. He is dancing so fast. Who’s the bloody choreographer?(It is Chinni Prakash, the one who gave us Tu Cheez Badi Hai Mast Mast) You wanted to project Mimoh’s dancing skills and this is what is done? Oh ok,I need not get mad at you, coz this entire movie was actually tailor made for Mimoh- taking into consideration that his Launchpad needed a perfect blend of the Indian Curry and the Western Sleaze, ahem no, umm..influence, I meant influence. So we get the blond streaks as long as a mane, and the MJ moonwalk. And we get the desi dhishoom with the Maa ki Mamta and Bete ka Kartavya, not to forget the Sachha Premi who finally reveals that he would have even sacrificed that for his Yaarana. PHEW!!! So, ok, let me stop giggling.

Okay, where was I? Cop comes to disc to find Mimoh in the heights of ecstasy, as he climaxed his act..of dancing. He arrests him on the charge of murder. Mimoh-aka Jimmy (doesn’t matter, actually Jimmy could have been a better name for Mimoh. Personally because Mithunda was really famous for the song- Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy, Aaja Aaja Ajaja. So it all makes sense, except for the fact that Jimmy is a common name for the Canis Familaris species- Dogs). I lost it again. Ok, no more giggling. Read the rest of this post »

The ‘Aag’ of the Year is Here.
The Tashan…. The Pharmoola….. The Craps

Yeah, the days spent in anticipation are over. All this while , we were wondering what Tashan was all about. The theatrical trailers revealed only the four characters walking out of a burning house, in picture perfect glares, leather boots, and loaded with guns. Saif in his brown cargos, Akhshay in a red shirt with a gamcha tied around his waist and scratching his head, Kareena in a blazing hot white top and leather boots , and Anil Kapoor, well his presence is just enough. And then the trailer ends with Anil jee saying ” Phust impression ij dee laast impression” (A twisted UP wala tone added to First Impression is the Last impression). The good thing about the trailer was the distorted electric guitar background score that accompanied the extra stylish, extra crisp trailer which revealed nothing about the story. It was indeed intriguing. But now that I have watched the whole movie, it all makes sense now. They didn’t reveal anything about the movie because they didn’t have anything in the movie that could possibly termed as “PLOT”. Oh please, my lord, I accuse YashRaj films of spending the megabucks on such a bunch-a-loada-crap. Yes, it is so crap that it makes Bhagam Bhag (or any damn Priyadarshan’s crap remake movie) look like Ben Hur (No, I am not comparing them in any bloody way. Tashan is just so crap!).In fact, now I am unable to decide which is more crap-Tashan or the preivous Yashraj offering-Jhoom Barabar Jhoom. And yes,personally, I do not have anything against the Yashraj people.I even managed to like a pregnant Priety Zinta moonwlking in ‘Salaam Namaste’, even the crooks Bunty n Bubli while they tried to sell the Taj Mahal to a firang. But for Tashan,I have only a very few things that can be mentioned as I didn’t dislike. Read the rest of this post »

This might come across as an offensive piece of writing directly aimed at toilet humor. But well, literally speaking it is more aimed at the toilet bit of it. Let’s call it the toilet etiquette or perhaps “Loo-tiquette”. This is directly aimed at that loo-natic guy peeing next to me even when the entire row is empty. I really do not get it. Why next to me? Yes, I am claustrophobic. And add to that, I have stage fright!! Now, you might ask how does that relate to my problem.Yes, I am a weird guy. I cannot pee in the presence of a crowd. I need proper silence, concentration and direction in that order. And no, I cannot multi-task while I am doing it. And so, I’d rather not see you too doing the same. Which leads to rule no.1 of “Loo-tiquette”

Rule 1: No Phone Calls

If you have come to take a leak, just do it. Do NOT attend a call, or try to negotiate your crucial deals while your have your phone held between your ears and your left shoulder, whereas your body is releasing . Think of the person on the other end who hears a flush when the deal is done. And also think of what value you hold of the deal. Was it that important that you needed to “Flush IT”? Stop trying to remember things on the call while you are peeing and please oh please, make sure your ringtones do not belong to the Disco era!!

Corollary to Rule no.1: No involving in the call Read the rest of this post »

This is with reference to all that is irrelevant and all that can be totally disassociated from a wall of speakers of a thousand watt each. A wall, as in “Humpty Dumpty sat on a WALL”. Oh I forgot to mention it, it’s not just any speakers. These are loud speakers with proper mixers and amplifiers, and yes, there’s a sound engineer cum DJ at the console. One thing though: either they have bass notes hitting so hard as bullets leaving the barrel of a Kalashnikov, or tones so deep that you really wonder if that made the Opera’s Phantom. And what’s the occasion? The list is pretty long. Be it Ugadi,Eid or Saraswati Pooja, Navratri or even Ambedkar Diwas. And if you were to ask me the essential playlist here, I’d like to reveal them one by one. Firstly, I will promise that I will not repeat the songs in my previous playlist post. Secondly, we shall not do any form of publicity (be it positive or negative) for Mr.Himess. He already has his fair share (But the man has been mum for quite some time. Guess he’s busy shooting for Karzzz -the remake). Third rule of the list- This is gonna be fun. So no Bhajans (For those who expected that I would include Bhajans of Anup Jalota, Narendra Chanchal and the like, I should say, you guys have come to the wrong page). So here we go(not put in any particular order, but that)!!

1. Hard Kaur & Glassy Family : Ek Glassy Do Glassy

Innovative lyrics, inventive rhythm and the Bhangra rap just couldn’t have been better. Especially when the dhol beats on the hip-hop rhythmcan literally scratch the back of your head from the inside. For best results, try standing within a metre’s range from the wall (of the speakers). Conditions apply.

2. Sean Paul- Temperature.

Okay, this might not hold true for any pandal in the US or Canada. But it does for any damn pandal in Pune, remote parts of Telengana, Vidharbha, Chota Nagpur Plateau and also some parts of the Deccan. You see, Sean Paul actually starts rhyming in Marathi proving yet again that he is in fact, a Marathi Manoos, not the Jamaican reggae guy that he poses to be. Sean Paul also received an honorary doctorate from the Pune Mahanagar Palika for the maximum looped playtime of Temperature. The award ceremony was also graced by aunties of Kondhwa Griha Mahila Udyog shaking their booty to the track.

3. Sukhbir - Ishq

There has always been an increasing demand of encore requests for this track. I am sure Sukhbir’s “aatma” cries from Nairobi to see the heartfelt appreciation that this song still receives. For best results, watch Neighbour Dhobi Kushal go frenzy after getting diluted (By that I mean, once he drinks his first drop of water after his stock of 2 khamba). Sukhbir’s Ishq remains an eternal favorite of the 2 year old who lives downstairs. She can hardly recognise between her dad and her mom, but can definitely sing “Ho Ho Ho Ho!!”. An insider news source reports that parts of Toronto and Southall,UK have experienced Santa Claus singing his trademark sound to the tunes of Sukhbir “Ho Ho Ho Hoooo”.

4. Vengaboys - Boom Boom

Not even any other Vengaboys track can come close to this. And mind you, this is actually a Saraswati Puja favorite, irrespective of latitude, longitude or solitude. Maa Saraswati has always remained quite pleased and has always blessed me with the best of marks at the final exams. Why shouldn’t she? Read the rest of this post »

After watching the movie ‘10,000 BC‘, all I could really do was THINK. Seriously. No not because it is a thought provoking film. Primarily because Arnab aka GreatBong had written this post called Akbarnama - a day in the life of Akbar (If you haven’t read it, READ it). But well, many may term my post here as plagiarist and to some extent rephrasing Arnab’s deliciously humorous post in a prehistoric context. But c’mon, you also know it, this will be real fun. So here it is-a day in the life of D’Le aka the prehistoric man.

8:00 am: I guess it is 5.00 am. Crap, I don’t know numbers , nor do I know the concept of time. Hey, my English vocabulary is improving though. Crap should be included as a good exclamatory outburst. Yay! Oh yeah, I think it’s actually time for crap.

After around 15 mins: Yeah, it’s time to get up. Look at that ugly guy under the water. I think he’s retarded. Keeps copying me. And I wonder how he breathes.

Another 15 mins: I guess it’s time for me to check out the new fashion line. Hmm! Zebra Skin or Camel. I hear that the new winter collection of Hyena Fur is really in. Ugh! the ladies don’t help me drape it. I think I’m just gonna wrap it randomly. Ooh! and look at me hair…so Bob Marley. Reggae anyone. Oh, I’m not supposed to know that either. Read the rest of this post »

Tolly Bites. And it hurts

I was literally dragged to the premiere of Arjun Chakraborty’s “Tollylights” in Kolkata. I didn’t have any clue that the premiere event was going to be thronged by women in inch deep make-up, the who’s who of Kolkata’s P3 circle and yeah, renowned lyricist and filmmaker Gulzar and ex-capitano Saurav Ganguly were also there. I was already pissed at the affairs getting late, and well, I felt sorry for Mr.Gulzar that he had to sit through the entire movie,(coz he was there to support his ex-Asst Dir. Arjun, the guy in the left in the trackies , yeah he’s the director in case you didn’t know) and well, so was I also forced to sit through it. I entered the screening room and from scene 1, I knew this was in some way going to be hilarious (even if it wasn’t mean to be). The reels begin to roll, and “Aashun Rongeen Prithibi te” starts screaming out from the surround speakers. Someone please tell the projectionist that me ears are bleeding. I wish I hadn’t thrown away my cotton reels. The intro track shows the journey of Tollywood from where it all began to what shit it is now. The track is replete with formulas of Bangla rock-the distorted guitars,the annoying cheap drum cymbals crashing with the bass sounds, and the irritating backing vocals and even more annoying lead vocals who wants to end every line with a fade out echo. Ugh!! Scene 1: Mithun da enters. Mithunda begins by saying something which sounded similar to :- Aaami Gay ( I am Gay). Actually he said Aaami Ke? (Who am I?) And the laughter riot didnt stop for me.

If you are really interested, the story is about Tollywood in general and encompasses the story of the struggle of a genuinely talented filmmaker being exploited to the extremes by the unethical show-business, and a middle class married woman who chooses glory over a non-supportive family. Pfff….Feed me something good. Yawn Yawn.What started as a take on the creative mediocrity in Tollywood, with scripts often being stolen from DVDs of South Indian movies, casting couch culture, the politics of Production Teams, the tussle between Producers of Mega Serials and the Movie actresses, gets immersed in its own mediocrity as the script fails to excite me , and so does the performances. I mean yeah, we have seen heroines sleep with Producers or veteran actors, in that order, and we have also seen actress commiting suicides. So fucking what? Having said that, the movie has two scenes which you take back home. Read the rest of this post »

Forget the FM channels. The magnetic audio tapes, with the wait time for rewinds are the thing when it comes to music for our buddy Auto-Drivers. And when you ask them why not FM, they say “Fuck the Big Red Mirchi”. That’s actually how you abuse three channels at one go. Of course, it’s not in English that they tell me so, and well, it’s just a figment of my imagination. Anyway, Auto-Rickshaw music is BIG in a country where Himmessh actually sells audio cassettes more than CDs. In a world where digital music (okay CDs you may call it) to us is primarily MP3, music in daily life is predominantly high on the tone equalizer, and resonating from the Big black soundbox in the backseat of an Auto-Rickshaw. And what is the possibility of you being subjected to listen to a Himmessh, (yeah the man’s creation, as in a Picasso, or a Vinci, or a Sujoy, whatever)-probably 99.999%. I shall confirm the numbers very soon. But quality is not at all governed by the sheer number of playtime, is it? So here I am, preparing a whole Top 10 list of the Favorite Songs of the Auto-Rickshaws. The criteria for judgment: my ears, my senses and my reasons, perhaps movie background scores at times, and well a little SPICE.

10. Chalo Bulawa Aaya Hai: (Avtaar) This is one of the sole reasons why Narendra Chanchal is still one of the top grossers at Sanskaar Channel and what actually pays for his monthly post paid bills. One of the original examples of Devotion meets pop culture. Listen to it on a very high tone, and Narendra Chanchal actually sounds like Asha Bhosle, who sang the female version. Money wasted!! Saare Bolo Jai Mata Di. Read the rest of this post »