The Legend of the Bollywood Jane..!!

For all those (the dumb ones who did not watch what happened right after the song )who are still wondering whether Jumma DID give her Chumma (Kiss) to Tiger, the answer is Yes,she DID. Tiger (Big B’s name in Mukul Anand’s HUM) survived with minimum injuries and a face loaded with prints of the red lips (those were the days without the non-transferring Maybelline). And for all those dumb ones who are not aware of the entire set up of how Tiger becomes such a confident and demanding male ( as the words say -Jumma Chumma De De), the answer lies in the scene before the song (Bollywood has never believed in desynchronisation of plot points. Are you listening Christoper ‘Memento’ Nolan? ). Miss Jumma challenges Tiger to collect his hafta ( in the form of a coin) which has been rested in between her..you know where! Okay, her b@@bies. (Now c’mon if they can show it, I can well fucking write it down.) And what was at stake? Jumma would give Chumma (kiss) to Tiger on the day of Jumma. (Please do take note of the intelligence of the moviemaker in the choice of words and rhymes. ) Tiger lifts Jumma, makes her legs go up and face almost touching the ground and starts shaking well. The end result is that due to the vibratory motion and the gravitational force, the coin was attracted towards the centre of the earth. Hence,proved! And Tiger gets his share of Chummas. Mystery solved. But keeping aside the entire Jumma Chumma De De incident, I am still searching for answers to the question posted in the title: What happened to the legend of the Bollywood Jane-Kimi Katkar? Read the rest of this post »

\m/.Bollywood Rock has Arrived. And it is FULL ON.\m/

So we have it. The first Indian Rock Bollywood soundtrack. Ugh! I so hate to call it that. It is a Bollywood movie soundtrack-Yes! And it IS ROCK. How Indian? I can see no Indianization in it (except for the Hindi lyrics) and it is an all out-full throttle Rock soundtrack with no holds barred. No cliche’ sitar addition or an Indian classical solo on a distorted electric guitar in the arrangement of which Indian Rock soundtracks in Bollywood are known to be. Nothing wrong about them as well. But Rock On’s soundtrack is what it is-ROCK ON. It is somehow an Indian tribute to the many Legends of Rock that we have grown up listening to -AC/DC, Megadeth,The Who et al. And I know it for sure that Farhan Akhtar saw way too many concert DVDs before sitting down to sing for the soundtrack. The attitude, the grunge and the punch in the vocals comes through easily, and yes, get ready to be hit by the Vocals. And well, it might not be a totaly new sound for us Rock fans, who pretty much listen to it all the time, it is a big welcome change for Bollywood Music. And quite frankly, it seems funny (in a good way) to hear Hindi lyrics on a Rock Song. As always, I am gonna go the reverse way -Last track first.

But well, there is now a twist to it. The Last track is a Live version of the second track in the album. SO let’s go for it together. Track 2 and 8: Pichle Saat Dinon Mein - Farhan Akhtar on the vocals. I know it is Ehsaan on the guitars belting out the riff. . The lyrics is as silly as it could be , but well you don’t expect a very metaphorical referencing rhyme in a Rock Song-not this one. It is about what stuff the guy lost in the last seven days. And it contains things as trivial as a Laundry Bill, a lady’s phone number, a king of hearts from the deck of cards, and a silver ring. Pretty meaningless and irrelevant, unless we hear the organ sound in the background, the riff, and the chorus going Na Na Na Na Na!! And hold on it does contain the Lines- Maryjane ka ek packet, Meri Denim ka ek Jacket. And who did we say wrote the lyrics. Read the rest of this post »

You can take the Rathod out of Ranjhor, but you cannot take the Ranjhor out of Rathod

It is not exaggarating at all to say that this can be called the DIL CHAHTA HAI of the year. It is dew fresh, it is immensely enjoyable and entertaining minus any form of saccharine or sugar coated romance (which has been almost synonymous with Bollywood). JAANE TU is a breathe of fresh air with a ton load of mint. And the best part of it is, it doesn’t act as a tailor made launch vehicle for Imraan Khan (unlike the other debut releasing this week, yeah the 2050 movie) , but as a whole ensemble entertainer with the perfect choice of actors to play the characters- some unknown, and some very familiar. And oh yes, Jaane Tu is not the debut for Imraan only. It also marks the debut for Pratiek Babbar (son of late Smita Patil) and welcomes back to the screen -Anooradha Patel, Kitu Gidwani and frames Naseeruddin Shah as Ajay Singh Rathod in a painting. Beat that!

Now where do I begin. Of course, from the oil pastel effects when the opening credits are shown. Love all around you in different hues as Rahman’s Jazz settles you down. You need 5 seconds at best to feel it, the smile on your face emerges and you just know it, that this is going to be good. And good it is not, it is GREAT. Of course, we are by now swept by the melody of “Kabhi Kabhi Aditi” to that extent that I have become a bit repulsive to it. But the movie brought it all back. The movie also has a secret character in it- and that is BOMBAY- the roads wet with rain, and reflecting back the streetlights, the necklace at Marine Drive, Santacruz Airport, and well, St.Xavier’s picturesque Basketball court. I say -”Aise main Koi Kaise NAA Muskuraye” (How can one not smile at this ). The cinematography is simply put - brilliant. Read the rest of this post »

Reading Lee Sargent’s QuitYourDayJob blog on Friday the 13th (His post on the Top 5 Horror Flicks ) gave me this idea to just blurt out on what this day represents in Indian cinema. Nothing. And if you thought Indian cinema can be scary, I would say, YES for all the wrong reasons. Scary when it is least meant to be, and when we start discussing at length of all the scares that Bollywood (or more so, its step sister/ illegitimate child, the B-grade Bollywood or what we’ll call as Bbolly) has offered in all our growing years of watching cinema, we have had more laughs and eyes filled with tears while we rolled on the floor pointing our fingers (the index one) at the makeup peeling off from the lady’s ..umm..face while Viju Khote runs through the corridor lit in red light. I can still vividly remember almost each and every cliche that scary movies had to offer in those days when satellite TV was yet to invade our lives. The local cinema theater (here called Gopinath, dedicated to the many bunked tuition classes ) was the one which offered the best of entertainment as titillation was a complete no no on the only existing National TV network. The posters used to bear the best that the movie had and names that would bring any Ekta Kapoor serial to shame (in sheer length).e.g. Paapi Gudiya Ka Insaaf (The justice of the Sinful Doll, a nice take on Chucky). But then, there were the short and sweet ones too.Veerana, Kafan,Saamri, Darwaza and many more of that legion fall into this category. So by now, you must have almost got the idea that what I’m gonna talk here is all about the deep shit scary stuff, not the ones with Vidya Balan singing “Aami Je Tomar” or Urmila Matondkar being exorcised. What’s happening here is that we discuss the many rules that have ruled Bbolly Horror, rules like Black Hairs and Wet White Saris, Smoke,Rapes and Shakti Kapoor,not necessarily in that order.

Rule no 1: We have to begin with the name. Shakespeare said,”What’s in a name?” Little did he know that centuries later, we would call him “Hilti Hui Nashpattee” or even change the first half of his last name to a 3 lettered word ending with an X. Anyway, the point is, the name plays a very vital role in the product placement. Names like Bhoot(ghost) or Pretaatma (similar meaning) just won’t work in Bbolly. Bbolly demands for graphic explanation. Best example is the latest flick at Alankar cinema: Bachke Rehna Zara Bhoot Bangle Main (Stay alert in the ghost house). Other popular Titles include: Pyaasi Padosan (Thirsty Neigbour). Sorry that was not a horror flick. We have many names named after Havelis and Mahals and Bunglows.But the ones which make it to my list are, Khoon Ki Pyaasi Dayan (The Lady Ghost who is Thristy of Blood) and Haveli Ke Peeche (Behind the Mansion). Other formats include description of timelines (Bees Saal Bad, Sau Saal Baad etc. 20 years later, A hundred years later etc )
Corollary to Rule 1: If name is to be kept short, set the mood right.
Ask the Ramsays. They know it best when it comes to naming movies after ambience/environment.
Start with the sound, go for the building, then a specific room and then doors. Next add an adjective.Ghungroo Ki Awaaz, Daak Bangla, Tahkhana,Guest House,Darwaza,Bandh Darwaza.(The sounds of the Ghungroo, The Bunglow, The Dungeon, Guest House– that you got, The Door, Closed Door) That’s what I meant!! Read the rest of this post »

The ‘Aag’ of the Year is Here.
The Tashan…. The Pharmoola….. The Craps

Yeah, the days spent in anticipation are over. All this while , we were wondering what Tashan was all about. The theatrical trailers revealed only the four characters walking out of a burning house, in picture perfect glares, leather boots, and loaded with guns. Saif in his brown cargos, Akhshay in a red shirt with a gamcha tied around his waist and scratching his head, Kareena in a blazing hot white top and leather boots , and Anil Kapoor, well his presence is just enough. And then the trailer ends with Anil jee saying ” Phust impression ij dee laast impression” (A twisted UP wala tone added to First Impression is the Last impression). The good thing about the trailer was the distorted electric guitar background score that accompanied the extra stylish, extra crisp trailer which revealed nothing about the story. It was indeed intriguing. But now that I have watched the whole movie, it all makes sense now. They didn’t reveal anything about the movie because they didn’t have anything in the movie that could possibly termed as “PLOT”. Oh please, my lord, I accuse YashRaj films of spending the megabucks on such a bunch-a-loada-crap. Yes, it is so crap that it makes Bhagam Bhag (or any damn Priyadarshan’s crap remake movie) look like Ben Hur (No, I am not comparing them in any bloody way. Tashan is just so crap!).In fact, now I am unable to decide which is more crap-Tashan or the preivous Yashraj offering-Jhoom Barabar Jhoom. And yes,personally, I do not have anything against the Yashraj people.I even managed to like a pregnant Priety Zinta moonwlking in ‘Salaam Namaste’, even the crooks Bunty n Bubli while they tried to sell the Taj Mahal to a firang. But for Tashan,I have only a very few things that can be mentioned as I didn’t dislike. Read the rest of this post »

This is with reference to all that is irrelevant and all that can be totally disassociated from a wall of speakers of a thousand watt each. A wall, as in “Humpty Dumpty sat on a WALL”. Oh I forgot to mention it, it’s not just any speakers. These are loud speakers with proper mixers and amplifiers, and yes, there’s a sound engineer cum DJ at the console. One thing though: either they have bass notes hitting so hard as bullets leaving the barrel of a Kalashnikov, or tones so deep that you really wonder if that made the Opera’s Phantom. And what’s the occasion? The list is pretty long. Be it Ugadi,Eid or Saraswati Pooja, Navratri or even Ambedkar Diwas. And if you were to ask me the essential playlist here, I’d like to reveal them one by one. Firstly, I will promise that I will not repeat the songs in my previous playlist post. Secondly, we shall not do any form of publicity (be it positive or negative) for Mr.Himess. He already has his fair share (But the man has been mum for quite some time. Guess he’s busy shooting for Karzzz -the remake). Third rule of the list- This is gonna be fun. So no Bhajans (For those who expected that I would include Bhajans of Anup Jalota, Narendra Chanchal and the like, I should say, you guys have come to the wrong page). So here we go(not put in any particular order, but that)!!

1. Hard Kaur & Glassy Family : Ek Glassy Do Glassy

Innovative lyrics, inventive rhythm and the Bhangra rap just couldn’t have been better. Especially when the dhol beats on the hip-hop rhythmcan literally scratch the back of your head from the inside. For best results, try standing within a metre’s range from the wall (of the speakers). Conditions apply.

2. Sean Paul- Temperature.

Okay, this might not hold true for any pandal in the US or Canada. But it does for any damn pandal in Pune, remote parts of Telengana, Vidharbha, Chota Nagpur Plateau and also some parts of the Deccan. You see, Sean Paul actually starts rhyming in Marathi proving yet again that he is in fact, a Marathi Manoos, not the Jamaican reggae guy that he poses to be. Sean Paul also received an honorary doctorate from the Pune Mahanagar Palika for the maximum looped playtime of Temperature. The award ceremony was also graced by aunties of Kondhwa Griha Mahila Udyog shaking their booty to the track.

3. Sukhbir - Ishq

There has always been an increasing demand of encore requests for this track. I am sure Sukhbir’s “aatma” cries from Nairobi to see the heartfelt appreciation that this song still receives. For best results, watch Neighbour Dhobi Kushal go frenzy after getting diluted (By that I mean, once he drinks his first drop of water after his stock of 2 khamba). Sukhbir’s Ishq remains an eternal favorite of the 2 year old who lives downstairs. She can hardly recognise between her dad and her mom, but can definitely sing “Ho Ho Ho Ho!!”. An insider news source reports that parts of Toronto and Southall,UK have experienced Santa Claus singing his trademark sound to the tunes of Sukhbir “Ho Ho Ho Hoooo”.

4. Vengaboys - Boom Boom

Not even any other Vengaboys track can come close to this. And mind you, this is actually a Saraswati Puja favorite, irrespective of latitude, longitude or solitude. Maa Saraswati has always remained quite pleased and has always blessed me with the best of marks at the final exams. Why shouldn’t she? Read the rest of this post »

Get ready for some real pot-mouthed ladies. I mean onscreen. Girls here don’t shy away from speculating the count of BJ’s and rampantly indulge in BJ jokes. They snort the white powder and drink till they drop. Welcome to the Jungle of the 21st century heroine. She is no longer the girl in the sari, but is suffering from the “pink thong, black lung” syndrome. Another addition to the cast is the stereotypical effeminate designer whose panic is “ejected” in his histrionics. And yeah, still more BJ jokes. And the guys;now they only say “FUCK” when they are either angry or offended. Not like we do-e.g. Fuck No,Fuck yes, Fuck may be. You get it. But that’s just where Bhram (an Illusion) begins. Antara Tyagi (Sheetal Menon) is a model troubled by casting couch predators and more than that, her dark past. She keeps wandering in her past and keeps away from male company. That’s until she is hit on by saadda hunk Shaan (Dino Morea) who is the brother of an investment banking tycoon Dev Rawal (Milind Soman ). The narrative jumps directly to the action area by adapting a non-linear flow, loaded with flashbacks and all jumbled up.

::::::::::::::::Spoiler Alert:::::::::::::::::

The plot encircles around these few characters: Shaan, Dev, Antara and her past. Everything else is pretty much an accessory. Shaan falls in love with the weird and introvert Antara. Antara doesn’t know that her life is coming a full circle with the entry of Shaan in her life(I would like to interrupt here to ask: Why do Indian movies have (almost) always followed the format of a first half which ends with a couple of events summing down to a suspense with an intermission in between? Is it because they want us to think over during the pee break as to what is gonna happen in the next episode? Ooh! how smart are we!!). The first half of the movie juggles from one sub-plot to another and sometimes entangles the puzzle even more, rather than solving it. So here’s what happens - Shaan brings Antara to meet his family- Bhaiya and Bhabhi- Antara accuses Dev to be the rapist and murderer of her sister, an event which happened 10 years ago in ‘Unnees Sau Teeranve” (1993) on her birthday. Second interruption: I would like to take a moment here for myself to pat my own back. I noticed a goof-up here. Antara’s sister drives her in a Maruti Suzuki WagonR to meet Dev in the resort. It’s 1993, and no Maruti Suzuki WagonR had been produced then by the manufacturers. Thank you! Now sit down and read further. Read the rest of this post »

Is this movie really directed by Subhash Ghai, the guy whose resume’ reads Kalicharan, Karz,Hero, Karma, Ram Lakhan,Saudagar, Khalnayak, Pardes and Taal (let’s forget memories, I mean Yaadein and Kisna for the time being, you know disasters do happen)? What happened to the glitz, the Bollywood spice and the saccharine? Oh they have all gone, and gone for good. The glam has taken a back seat, and the director is ON. Scene-1, take 1-Action. Subhash Ghai’s “Black and White” speaks volumes for itself- of the guts and the dare that he has taken up, leaving aside all that he has done previously, and ventured into totaly new lands of filmmaking- a land which is politely termed as experimental cinema. Kudos to the man who quit the huge hat, refrained himself from that addictive cameo and did a brilliant job behind the lens. And all of this praise doesn’t come from your knowledge of what you expect of a Subhas Ghai blockbuster. But because, B&W has all that it takes to make it a heartfelt attempt at making GOOD cinema. From the moment when the reels began to roll to unveil the Solar Eclipse and the Diamond Ring shine on the Title, I knew that I so want this film to be good. And the good thing was, it IS. Read the rest of this post »

Okay, first things first. I really hate the concept of attaching English tails to movie titles. It completely disgusts me. Moving on, this is the music review of Bhram (won’t include the tail anymore). Let’s just skip the intro part, and let’s get down to business- one track at a time. Yeah?

Track 1:-Jaane Kaise - the acoustic guitar, good bass and Shaan- this is trademark Pritam, the Indian rock touch and whoa,the muted clean Electric guitars. I really like this track. The acoustic rhythms accompany the vocals with absolute fluidity. This sounds very much like Dino Morea standing at the backseat of his jeep with the rooftop opened up and singing his lungs out. Its an open spirit song and if this was filmed on perhaps Ranbir Kapoor, this could probably win the Filmfare (C’mon Jab Se Tere Naina can win the Filmfare for Shaan, then this surely can). This actually isn’t rock, but very much Pop, and I can totaly hear the college fests being infected with this, and anyone who can strum his acoustic box is being found busy trying to find the chords. Read the rest of this post »

When the name is “Jodhaa Akbar” what you shouldn’t expect is a 90 min short story. What you should expect is a condensed 52 episodes of the tale of one of the greatest Mughal Emperors, Jalaluddin Mohammed Akbar and his reign over India from the mid 16th century and the historic alliance with Rajput Princess Jodhaa Bai. And of course, this would mean the movie to be expanded beyond proportions (the length is a good 3 hrs 40 mins). But I do not have any problems with it as far as the length is concerned. More than often, epic storytelling has demanded the pace to be at ease and so is the case here. Ashutosh Gowariker’s “Jodhaa Akbar “is another edition to that list of epic movies, but does it pass the test of epic storytelling? I still have my doubts. Of course, it is easy to look at everything with an eye of criticism and just start evaluating the faults and the shortcomings, but for once, I’d stand and applaud at the sheer magnitude of the canvas that Ashutosh Gowariker has tried to paint and presented it with so many radiant hues.

Of course, we are reminded that such historical epic stories are always associated with controversies. Let’s clear this doubt: This is not a documentary. History tells us Akbar had many wives, not to mention concubines, invented his own religion Din-i-Ilahi, and was as megalomaniac as all other Mughal Emperors. But the golden rule of bringing period pieces to life remains: It is the legend which stays alive. Read the rest of this post »