For all those (the dumb ones who did not watch what happened right after the song )who are still wondering whether Jumma DID give her Chumma (Kiss) to Tiger, the answer is Yes,she DID. Tiger (Big B’s name in Mukul Anand’s HUM) survived with minimum injuries and a face loaded with prints of the red lips (those were the days without the non-transferring Maybelline). And for all those dumb ones who are not aware of the entire set up of how Tiger becomes such a confident and demanding male ( as the words say -Jumma Chumma De De), the answer lies in the scene before the song (Bollywood has never believed in desynchronisation of plot points. Are you listening Christoper ‘Memento’ Nolan? ). Miss Jumma challenges Tiger to collect his hafta ( in the form of a coin) which has been rested in between her..you know where! Okay, her b@@bies. (Now c’mon if they can show it, I can well fucking write it down.) And what was at stake? Jumma would give Chumma (kiss) to Tiger on the day of Jumma. (Please do take note of the intelligence of the moviemaker in the choice of words and rhymes. ) Tiger lifts Jumma, makes her legs go up and face almost touching the ground and starts shaking well. The end result is that due to the vibratory motion and the gravitational force, the coin was attracted towards the centre of the earth. Hence,proved! And Tiger gets his share of Chummas. Mystery solved. But keeping aside the entire Jumma Chumma De De incident, I am still searching for answers to the question posted in the title: What happened to the legend of the Bollywood Jane-Kimi Katkar?

I did my bit of research on the internet about the whereabouts, the genesis and the current status of Kimi Katkar (Hold on, don’t get so impatient. We ARE gonna talk about Tarzan and Jane and the wet white dress and the dawn of Indian moisture). Frankly speaking, didn’t impress me much.  Debut film-Andar Baahar, married photographer Shantanu Sheroy (searched about him as well. I am yet to verify it is the same Shantanu Sheroy, but there are some results showing that he is the director of the Coke ads of Vivek Oberoi and Ash, and Chachi 420 as well ). At least what her filmography on IMdB has for display is the one that IS impressive. I can bet you with the current News Channels airing programs and reality show snippets (one word- churning shit) more than News, you would be familiar with the meanings (or at least the expressions) of most of these movie titles, even when you are not fluent with Hindi or don’t speak it at all . Titles like- Jeevan Daata, Sarphira, Kaarnama, Taqdeer ka Tamasha, Roti Kee Keemat, Aag se Khelenge, Kahan Hai Kanoon et al. (Translation into English respectively : Life Giver, Crackhead, Feat, A show of Fate, The cost of bread, We’ll play with Fire, Where is the Law? ) just wouldn’t remind you of Kimi Katkar anymore. The show is being stolen by the evening 7 o clock news breaking news taglines flashing on your tubes, and that is so NOT FAIR. Not fair to a lady who has given birth to those immortal names. The Tube should carry an asterisk in the right corner with an acknowledgement note to Miss Kimi Katkar. At least like those reduction sale ads which carry a ‘Conditions Apply‘ written in English for amoeba.

So anyway, I know you guys can’t wait to pounce already on Bollywood Jane. But a little more of Jumma and her other exploits. Jumma Chumma was one of my favorite songs then. I would hum it when I felt lonely, in the loo, when I felt lonely in the loo. I was too shy to admit it then. But all of that ‘original’ charm was stolen by a guy in Puff Daddy shades and bling that would make Mary J Blige go blind. The lyrics of the other song seemed so not original, and had nothing inspiring as asking for a Chumma. Now someone tell me what is meant by Tumma Tumma Loge, Tumma Tumma Loge..Tumma.

Jaao Kehdo Us Kaneez Se, Ke Wo Mallika-e-Hind hai,
to Hum Bhi Shahenshah-e-Bollywood Hai.
Nahi Lena Hume Tumma.

And then, that song features a gyrating Sanjay Dutt trying hard to ape Janet Jackson. Ok, Madhuri Dixit had done it with ease. So why not keep it just a Madhuri Dixit song. Okay, so I am getting diverted. But, bottom-line:- Jumma Chumma kicks Tumma Tumma’s arse. And Kimi Katkar’s red dress soaked in soap, with a huge crowd dressed in black and holding white cups filled with some white frothy beverage to the brim. Hmm, even Nicole Kidman would’ve wanted to do it. And yeah, that COIN also has a guest appearance in the song.

And finally, let us all stand up to bow to the legend of the Bollywood Jane.[Image courtesy: Panabasis] (I know that you must be tired of the title by now)But you see, our Ms Jane wasn’t called Jane after all. Her name was Ruby Shetty. Confession: Tarzan was my first movie and I watched it on a VHS. I was 3 years old, not very fluent in Hindi as I am now, and I would still manage to hum the tune of the title track- Tarzan, My Tarzan, Aaja Main Seekhadu Tujhe Pyaar Kaise Ho. (You can surely imagine I would have skipped almost the words from 4th to 8th but would never forget to get the ending Ho right. Pitch perfect). And then, that other song as well - Mere Saath Gaoge. And then we had Ruby teaching Do Re Me to Tarzan. WOW! Yeah, those were my kindergarten days. And then almost 12 years later, on my computer monitor in the comfort of my private hostel room, I got enlightenment and I could see and understand the cinematic excellence of my first movie-released in 1985, in a totally different level. I could now really understand how much of a lucky dude that Hemant Birje guy is.

Of course, I am not gonna wind up without discussing the premise of the Title track. ( Sorry to dissapoint you, but I am NOT discussing the Rated R scene. Those are best kept as they are- on Youtube -NSFW link) . Now the inspiration/man behind this musical geniaaaas creation is Bappi Da  and the svelte voice is Alisha Chinai. The background is- Ruby dreams (she is sleeping in her very comfortable white err..nightgown) as Tarzan stares at her. (Pfft..Tarzan, weird guy, he only stares). Ruby wakes up and finds herself dressed in a ruby-red dress. MAGIC??? She is so much in awe with the beautiful surroundings of the forest. She talks of the cleanliness that the forrest boats of - the water, the skies, the sun and the moon. And she does look like she needs some cleanliness herself (as in a bath). And then, I would only quote her now.

Yahaa lagta hai ki Aadmi sachmuch Nature ka ek hissa hai.
Ye (looking at Tarzan) bhi to ek Aadmi hai.
Sabhya,Civilised Aadmiyo se bilkul alag.
Now for the best part: Sachmuch ka Aadmi
Jaise Isse Tu ne banaya hoga
Ek saada kaagaz
Main Iske Dil pe pyar ka shabd likhungee,
aur ise pyar ka matlab samjhaungee

(”It seems like here, man is really a part of Nature,
He’s also a Man
Totally different from the civilised and decent men
A REAL Man (giggle)
Like the way you have made him
A white paper
I will write the word love in his heart
And teach him the meaning of Love”)

Now, the Sachha Aadmi-REAL man part had just got really interesting , when Director Babbar Subhash went ahead and tore down all the metaphor and declared that no, we love LOVE. And time for the beats to swoop in. Man, you have to watch the video to get what I am really talking about. I am talking about the infectious bass line, the harmonica and the awe-inspiring voice of Alisha. Yeah, all of them lies. Lady in Red, Rocks, Pool of Water and a song which has words-Bheega Badan (Wet Bodies). To put it in the words of the great cricketer Sachin Tendulkar- Go Get It (’em). ( Youtube Link here again)

Yeah so, umm!! what Happened to Kimi Katkar?

I had plans of writing a post on the anime feature: Gotham Knight before I wrote this review, but the last two days were spent in anticipation over the wait for the Dark Knight. And having seen the movie   today on the big screen, I don’t remember what I saw on the anime. Hell, I don’t remember what I saw in the previous Batman movies and once I walk out of the cinema, I get this feeling - that might be the best superhero movie, ever, if not the best movie ever ( Lee thinks so !!). And it is totaly worth all the hype, all the viral marketing, all the fanboism and hoopla at Comic Cons et al, coz it delivers. No that is not the correct word choice. Coz it overtakes your expectations, by glueing you to your seat, grabbing your collar and make you WATCH with your eyes wide open as the Joker giggles and the Batman glides.And guess what? Anyone who enters the theater with great expectations would leave the theater without the desire of doing so, wanting desperately to watch it a second time, a third time, or even more, with the stark realization that the word “great” in one’s expectations earlier is SORELY inadequate! There are reasons why movies like these need to be 2 hours and 32 minutes long. Because there is only one Dark Knight.

The very first thing I would like to highlight on is Gotham City. Not comparing in any form to Burton’s blue and claustrophobic version of Gotham, Nolan’s Chicago-esque (it WAS shot in Chicago) metropolitan Gotham City ( notice the mention of word City) sets the tone perfectly. It is a huge canvas where crime is being painted in dark shades and takes almost every inch of it. There are skyscrapers with glass windows perfect for snipers, and there are dark alleys, parking lots and even open streets where Crime thrives. Gotham City is in complete mess with the ongoing gang wars, bank robberies, Batman clones teamed up with…ha ha ..ScareCrow and even Asian dealers teaming up with Gangsters. And then, all hell breaks loose, when a purple suited, make up wearing , red lipped man who calls himself Joker shows up. What shocks me more than anything is the complete despair that it might be, to see the entire system of a city failing to the plotlines set by the Joker. No….I wouldn’t be revealing anyone of them. You gotta get out and WATCH THIS ONE.

To put it straight, Heath Ledger steals the show (arguably). There is so much a menace that gleams in his eyes, an unknown thirst seeking for something when he flick his tongue out like a lizard and an enjoyment for chaos in the laughter. I was convinced it wasn’t Ledger, it was the Joker. And Heath Ledger perfects this vision of Nolan to such an extent, that it can be on one of those Best Cinematic Villains list, right up there with Anthony Hopkins-Hannibal Lecter(Silence of the Lambs) and Kevin Spacey’s John Doe (Se7en).The Joker here is BAD BAD! So BAD that he makes Jack Nicholson’s Joker look funny. And with lines that make you feel a chill run down your spine-” Why So Serious? Let’s put a Smile on that face”.And to see him hung upside down revealing -”I don’t want to kill you. What would I do without you?”.
Holy Shmoly. Watch him play more with the minds than with the knives. Listen him speak, and watch him walk. And this coming February, please oh please, give him the Oscar.

Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent gives life to this character like never before. There is so much credibility to this one, and you could instantly feel the motivation that keeps him going. To be the ‘White Knight’ of Gotham City. And with the good CGI SFX at service, Two Face can make you cover your eyes with your hands. Aaron Eckhart’s portrayal speaks with ease of his battle against crime and then later on, of his thirst for vengeance. And then there is that small actor called Morgan Freeman(joke for those who just don’t get it and are easily offended), who speaks 2 lines with a wink and a smile, and that is enough for me to remember that Morgan Freeman IS Lucious Fox. Maggie Gyllenhal has not much to do in this movie than just rummaging through files and be the damsel in distress. As for Alfred aka Michael Caine (who was who?), he is the only actor who can play Alf. And I swear I haven’t seen Mr.Caine age in the last 30 years. And then to conclude the characters, there’s Gary Oldman as Commissioner James Gordon. Did someone just pull him out of a DC page? His constant one-man effort in keeping the system work is so exhausting. And then, you feel the belief that he has in Batman. That the Dark Knight is perhaps, the only Hero there is.

But in a movie clouded by so much hype, the untimely demise of Heath Ledger in an immortal and scary-monstrous role, Christian Bale still manages to keep it as a Batman movie. Not just by the act of him gliding over the Gotham skyline (so cool, that if you had the DVD, your remote would be done in 2 weeks), but by justifying the name-Dark Knight. Batman, unlike any other superhero of the DC and Marvel Universe, is a man living with the trauma of trying to be the good one, and only to be pushed back to the dark side. He is a loner, an outcast, questionably trusted by only a few, and yet he dresses up in his bat suit to battle crime. Batman’s inner struggle to balance the vigilante and the comfortable public persona of Bruce Wayne is visible in every scene. His voice commands like the Dark Knight would, and his flamboyance speaks for itself when he is Bruce Wayne.The Batman has to fight and keep on fighting, come what may. In pain, in darkness and even when he is mistaken as the villain. And it is so true when Harvey Dent speaks of the fate of a hero is  that ” You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain”.

Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight will go down in cinematic history as the Movie to Beat. It breaks the genre rule and doesn’t stick to any superhero movie formula. There is no genesis story and neither a  radioactive freak accident product. No global destruction plans. Actions yes, including a sommersaulting truck, a ringing phone in a place it shouldn’t be and a bank robbery.And as the climax is over,it leaves you so sad that it was Ledger’s last. Just 2 weeks before, I had skimmed through what Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher had to offer on the menu. And with Mr.Nolan’s 6 course meal with desserts by the side, I have lost the taste of all the previous meals.Dark Knight is FANTASTIC, FABULOUS and FLAWLESS. An EPIC movie in all aspects.

The above pic is a G-rated one. For the PG-13 version, go here. Anyway,for the children of this age who have not been subjected to Joel Schumacher’s third degree torture, you are blessed. Because we have seen a multi-million franchise to have been lifted from being a campy TV franchise to a Gothic vision (by Tim Burton, which had its flaws, but we love it) and then just been destroyed..no BUTCHERED. Batman Forever was, as they say, the beginning of the end, and Batman and Robin was the last nail in the coffin (until it was ressurected by Nolan ). Still makes me wonder sometimes what was going through the mind of Joel Schumacher and the guys at Warner Bros when they made these two (the first one-Batman Forever in the year 1995-3 years after Batman Returns, and the second one: Batman and Robin in 1997). And I often imagine the following dialogues.

Joel: (while watching Burton’s versions) Oh Burton Burton..!! He must be so disturbed.Need more lights, more fluorescence. Ladies-Uma Thurman, Drew Barrymore, Nicole Kidman, beat that!! oh that lady in the Crying video. More Gay appeal. Clooney, c’mon you are sport enough to flash bat Nipples yeah!! And yeah, some good bulge as well. Robin, we’ll have a butt shot. And yes, Tommy Jones-we don’t have much budget, you have to do your own make-up. We’ll have the future Governor of CA as the cold villain. (Evil Laugh).

WB guys: Joel, consider Jim Carrey for the Riddler. The guy is insanely good.

Joel: Jim who?

The rest as they say is history. All that I write for the two movies here are based on the bleak and yet disturbed memories that I had after watching these two cinematic crap-bags almost 5 years ago. And no, I didn’t watch it again to blurt it all out. Just thought this one would be a good sequel to my previous post: Batman -The First Two. I promise to keep it short, and sorry no screenshots to grace this post.

Batman Forever: I can imagine how people would have felt in 1995 to have waited for the movie to follow Batman Returns and to have seen this. I know it has Val Kilmer and Jim Carrey, but it’s Joel Schumacher all over. It completely lacks Burton, Michael Keaton and the darkness involved. This felt like fast food, low cholestrol, low calorie and half baked ( by which I mean it is BAD). Romance wise, Nicole and Val Kilmer did click more than Bruce Wayne and Vicky Vale, or Selina Kyle maybe. The schizophrenia of Harvey Dent-Two Face was completely annoying,awful and much like a wannabe impersonation of Nicholson’s Joker, only with a worse makeup. There are only two things good about this movie, and one of them isn’t in the movie. Yeah, it is Seal’s OST-Kiss From a Rose. The second one is - but of course, Jim Carrey as Edward Nygma aka the Riddler. He personifies the comic book character down the last inch and is the only one who keeps this movie from being unwatchable. He completely overtook the lead in this flick (like in all other Batman movies, the villains enjoy the coveted role e.g. Joker, Penguin, arguably Scarecrow also and Riddler makes it to the list as well). But then, do we care at all? And oh yes, just to add to that annoyance, Joel Schumacher says-eh! just not gay enough,this one introduced Robin.

Batman and Robin: This one actually makes sense if there is an explanation about Joel Schumacher’s upbringing. Perhaps, he has an intrinsic hatred towards Batman-the character or just bats. And that’s why consciously made it to this level of crap-piness. George Clooney flashes his shiny disco balls-err…nipples on the bat-suit. He carries on to be more of Clooney than be Wayne.Then we have the catch phrase churning machine who is blue in color, and is anything but Mr.Freeze. Mr.Schwarzenegger is in no way a cold psychopath, like the Mr.Freeze of DC Comics.And then, there is one of my favorite action stars Uma Thurman as nerdy botanist Dr.Pamela who suddenly turns into a seductress who emits pheromones. This movie was bad ,worse and worst when it comes to casting. Wait a min. This actually is not limited to only casting. But moving on, next up is Alicia Silverstone as the rebellious and ‘Clueless’ Batgirl. I’d rather not talk about her role or I’ll upset Steven Tyler. And just when you thought it was done, Joel Schumacher shouts- Not Gay Enough!!! Hmm, Robin!!! Robin!!! Flash your butt. Camera Zoooming. Nuff said! To end this post, I’ll leave you with an embed of a Youtube video titled: BATMAN AND ROBIN WORST MOVIE EVER

The next post is the review of the new anime: Batman:Gotham Knight which supposedly links Batman Begins and Dark Knight. Hope to see you there!!

I can still remember the spine chilling grrl that came out of the mouth of Oswald Cobblepot. The white-skinned flippers, the gaze and teeth which had a “dark green toxic liquid” layer on them. That was 10 years ago, when I watched a glimpse of Batman Returns, and could not complete watching it because of reasons I cannot remember now. And even before that, a very young me was completely frightened by the horror of a smiling man. A face whose smile did not bring a sense of joy, but instantly meant evil. Such was the power of the Joker, that when I saw the newsreader girl fall on the floor and watch her face turn into a white smile, I went ahead and switched off the TV. And till date, I had not completely watched Batman-the first two. I can hear many wtfs in the background, but that’s true. And having survived through the worst two (which is the topic of the next post on OKS), a good amount of well written Batman Beyond series and of course Nolan’s darker,better and most mature treatment of Batman in Batman Begins, I really wanted to go back and finish my task of watching Tim Burton’s Batmans. This had been a pending job for me more than a movie watching thing, and I knew it wouldn’t be a better timing than watch it NOW, when the Dark Knight releases next week on July the 18th. So to officially begin with the week long celebrations for the welcome of the Dark Knight, Ladies n Gents, I give you: Batman -The First Two.

Screenshots after the Jump.

Batman - I would call it the yardstick by which all the other Batman movies to follow, would be measured. This was enormous in every sense. A visually arresting epic of the lonesome hero who lives in his castle with his butler. He has huge apprehensions of giving away his identity to his lady love, and then on the other hand, is tormented by the workings of the crime gang-war in Gotham city. On one hand, we have Jack Nicholson in one of the roles in which he will always be remembered-Jack Napier aka the JOKER. The laugh with skin stretched to the extreme, and the eyes to match- we have someone going up against probably, Sir Hopkins’ Dr.Lecter. Such was the impact of watching the Joker unleashing his acts onscreen. And then, on the other hand, we had the tormented Bruce Wayne trying to move on from his childhood nightmare only to be pulled back. Batman had it all- Gotham city built to the last inch, the onscreen chemistry between Michael Keaton and Kim Basinger, and of course the horrors of the Grin. Some people would mention Prince’s soundtrack to that list, but I wouldn’t. And somehow, all my memories of having read Bob Kane’s creation on paper all these years, and having watched Batman in many forms- from the animated series, to Batman Beyond to the recent Batman Begins, I would still say that Tim Burton’s Batman is very satisfying in creating a nightmarish environment of Gotham city where crime is easily the king and the hero struggles to keep everything in place. It would be completely wrong if I were to comment on the quality of the action scenes, the Batmobile and the special effects now that we are living in a world post the Matrix. As the first cinematic adaptation of Batman, I say this one succeeds in bringing the insanity and humor along with the diabolic elements of the Joker, strikes a balance between the lonely Bruce Wayne and the Dark Knight but does leave out Commisioner Gordon’s character and even makes Alfred to play matchmaker to Bruce and Viki. But yeah, I still love it.

Batman Returns-I personally felt Tim Burton goes a bit indulgent with this one . With the music, the characterization and the setting. Mr.Burton surely does have a thing for theatrical setting and operatic music and has enveloped this one completely with it. Take a look at the Gotham city that he has created. Inch deep in snow and all foggy, it is very claustrophobic in here, and certainly not how I would have liked it to be. I know Penguin calls for a polar environment to be created, but for Pete’s sake I still can’t believe 25 people attending a Mayor’s public speech-every time. Not to forget people reading out the headlines aloud on the streets, no one repeating another, all from different publications. Isn’t that a bit of Batman on Broadway? The crime scene created by the gang of Penguin (not the flock) seems so much Acrobatics galore!! Next problem is Selina Kyle aka Catwoman. I know you’re gonna flash that finger to me now. But hold on until you read this. Why on earth, don’t we get to see the explanation to Selina’s schizophrenia? Why is it all left out in the open that she would rather roll than walk and have anything against the Batman? Though anyday, I will pick Pfeiffer’s Catwoman to be one of the sexiest villains of cinema, this was an unexplored territory in the cinema why the Catwoman chose the side of the Penguin. Which brings us to the best part-Oswald Cobblepot aka the Penguin. Portrayed completely different from the comics, Danny Devito excels in every single frame and as the bald head, dressed in a Victorian underwear, with white flippers and joined fingers, a beaky nose, and a dark green liquid flowing as he spoke, the Penguin was the highlight of this movie. I would perhaps go to the length of saying that Danny Devito’s penguin exceeds the maniac that the Joker of the first movie was. This one goes ahead and chews off your nose, walks like a beast or a penguin(whatever), and speaks to himself. He is what he calls himself- “I am not a Man, I am an animal, I am the Penguin”. With revenge in his heart, and a distorted plan on his mind, the Penguin is why this movie works. And for most of the part, he is the HERO of the movie and Michael Keaton gets completely overshadowed by the grotesque of Danny Devito’s Penguin. This is what covers up all flaws in the plot and even elevates the movie to the level it is considered now to be on.

If you were to ask me to pick one, it would be easy to say. I choose Batman as the winner. But if you ask me to pick the favorite villain between the two, it’s got to be Danny Devito’s Penguin. It is scarier than all distortions included for the vision of Scarecrow. And for your reference and viewing pleasure, I have included a few screenshots of both movies. And please do tell me , if you liked my review of these two. See you at the next post- Batman: The Worst Two

Screenshots of Batman

Screenshots of Batman Returns

So we have it. The first Indian Rock Bollywood soundtrack. Ugh! I so hate to call it that. It is a Bollywood movie soundtrack-Yes! And it IS ROCK. How Indian? I can see no Indianization in it (except for the Hindi lyrics) and it is an all out-full throttle Rock soundtrack with no holds barred. No cliche’ sitar addition or an Indian classical solo on a distorted electric guitar in the arrangement of which Indian Rock soundtracks in Bollywood are known to be. Nothing wrong about them as well. But Rock On’s soundtrack is what it is-ROCK ON. It is somehow an Indian tribute to the many Legends of Rock that we have grown up listening to -AC/DC, Megadeth,The Who et al. And I know it for sure that Farhan Akhtar saw way too many concert DVDs before sitting down to sing for the soundtrack. The attitude, the grunge and the punch in the vocals comes through easily, and yes, get ready to be hit by the Vocals. And well, it might not be a totaly new sound for us Rock fans, who pretty much listen to it all the time, it is a big welcome change for Bollywood Music. And quite frankly, it seems funny (in a good way) to hear Hindi lyrics on a Rock Song. As always, I am gonna go the reverse way -Last track first.

But well, there is now a twist to it. The Last track is a Live version of the second track in the album. SO let’s go for it together. Track 2 and 8: Pichle Saat Dinon Mein - Farhan Akhtar on the vocals. I know it is Ehsaan on the guitars belting out the riff. . The lyrics is as silly as it could be , but well you don’t expect a very metaphorical referencing rhyme in a Rock Song-not this one. It is about what stuff the guy lost in the last seven days. And it contains things as trivial as a Laundry Bill, a lady’s phone number, a king of hearts from the deck of cards, and a silver ring. Pretty meaningless and irrelevant, unless we hear the organ sound in the background, the riff, and the chorus going Na Na Na Na Na!! And hold on it does contain the Lines- Maryjane ka ek packet, Meri Denim ka ek Jacket. And who did we say wrote the lyrics. Javed Akhtar \m/. For those who still don’t have any idea of what Maryjane is (no it isn’t Mrs Spiderman), get some ejj..ucation. The guitar solo is Oh Yeah!! And this song leaves you grooving to its addictive sound. Special mention: Listen to Farhan go :-Kabhi Khud Pe Hasaa Main, aur Kabhi Khud pe…Ro.yyyaaa (in perfect Bon Scott fashion).
Now for the Live version: Starts with “Hello Everyone” in a concert venue. Farhan asks people to sing along the chorus Na Na Na Na. Somehow, when I try to sing it, it always loses direction and shifts to the Na Na Na of Cuts Like a Knife (Bryan Adams). LOL. I know, both are very different Na Na Nas. Anyway, the Live version creates the ambiance of a Rock concert, and I can totally see the people sway with the guitar riff. Nothing much added to the studio track (this one is as well, but then for the sake of it, we’ll call it the Live version), but it is really cool to see that they didn’t do a Lounge version and a Techno version, and oh yeah a Bhangra Underground version with Punjabi MC. :P. This track (both) sets the mood right. Really cool. Finally good to hear loud guitar solos (not subdued muted ones ala Pritam).

Track 9: Phir Dekhiye: Its an acoustic one. Caralisa Monteiro on the vocals. This one is on the lines of the many lady artistes we get to hear -may be a bit of Alanis. Very cool sounding pianos to go with the svelte vocal lines. Very likeable and perfect for a quite evening when you want to listen something calm as you sit down to solve your Sudoku.

Track 7: Sinbad the sailor: The guitar ’sounds’ so similar to AC/DC’s You Shook Me All Night Long. But then, the Keyboard kicks in and we are almost back into the 80s. I cannot search the right name of the band which inspires such sounds-perhaps a whole league of Brit Bands in the 80s. But this is the weakest tracks of the album. The lyrics are predictably about Sinbad, the sailor. Nuff said. The guitar solo is likable, nothing that would qualify for a smokin solo. This is at best a clichéd Rock track which fails to live up to the standard of Tracks 2 and 8. But, wait we are not done yet. The final 2 minutes is when the track picks up.Enter Raman Mahadevan and there is a fresh twist to the sing, and hear Farhan go the falsetto way - high ,high and high. And it all wraps up in typical guitar solos and the cymbals going disshhhh. Huh, after the climax, I’d rather, not Bad eh!

Track 6:Tum Ho Toh: Farhan tries a ballad (ok, Shankar ,Ehsaan and Loy made him to). A bit pitchy at times in the intro, romantic lyrics, and yes, Farhan does the falsetto again.As suggested in the promo posters, Luke Kenny is on the keyboards. And this song, surely does have enough shots of him, considering the Keyboards portions in the arrangement. Prominent bass to go along. It does sound a bit like Coldplay at times, but then may be it’s because I have been listening to a lot of Coldplay’s latest album (Viva La Vida, check out Violet Hill from the album). Listen to Farhan do the falsetto in the second verse. Ladies n Gents, Boys n Gals-Farhan Akhtar,the singer has ARRIVED.

Track 5: Zehreelay: 1…2…3..4..Oh Yeah. Silly lyrics again..LOL. Talks about venomous snakes. Forget the lyrics. I bet you can’t stop headbanging to this one. The double bass on the drums keep on thumping. This one’s really Metal. Oh yeah. Bollywood featuring Metal. Awesome! can’t wait to see this one on the movie. And that is what excites me more than anything. I would like to watch and hear this tracks on the loud, ear piercing speakers of a multiplex cinema. The vocals of Suraj Jaggan are very typically thrash (where has he been so far?). Very harsh, the drums as brutally wild as it can be, and the guitars are fast. The rhythm riff is very Megadeth, and the solo is blazing fast. Beware Bollywood -The Metal has finally landed. This one has got to be my favorite of the Album. You have to buy this album for this ONE. The wrapping up part just grabs you by the..ahem…and just throws you away. God, there are zillions of people sounding like this in English,German or infamously from Norway, but Zehreelay makes Hindi added to the list. Now listen Shankar,Ehsaan and Lloy, no matter what Yashraj Uncle says, DO NOT GO BACK to doing Karwa Chauth and God Bharai songs. Puhleeeezzz.

Track 4:Ye Tumhari Meri Baatein-Dominique Cerejo- Who’s this lady? I have one word for her-Satine’. Would love to hear her sing any damn Jazz song and I can just sit hours listening to her. May be a bit of Norah Jones would also make me go crazy. Love the bass lines on this track. A romantic ballad. But I can’t get over her vocals. Pitch perfect!! I wouldn’t be surprised if this is shot on location in a Jazz bar. This is actually how it should look. We have to wait for how this is gonna be picturised. My second favorite of the album. Dominique-step out and SING.

Track 3: Title Track-Rock On: Enjoyable Guitar Riff- Standard Rock Lyrics speaking of freakin’ out, speaking your heart out, screaming your lungs out blah blah!

Rock On-Hai Ye Waqt Ka Ishaara,
Rock On-Har Lamha Pukaara,
Rock On- Yu Hi Dekhta Hai Kya Tu,
Rock On- Zindagi Milegi Naa Dubara

Okay, probably it is me because we just have heard so much about this stuff in the ones that started it all. I would have liked the lyrics to have been a bit more innovative.
Leave the lyrics aside, and this one is actually enjoyable. Has the rhythm riff, a guitar solo, the head shaking drum beat and a catchy chorus line. What else do you need?
There we have it-The Title Track-tailor made. I say, fits well. Just not Armani yet.

Track 1: Socho To: Is it me, or is it still the same guitar -yeah, the AC/DC of You Shook Me All Night Long. Although we get to hear flashes of a bit of Joe Sat, and a bit of Colplay as well. Man, I am insane now.
This does sound a bit like some Strings track as well. Or should I stop thinking of references and listen to this track. I am enjoying the bass track more than anything on this track. Listen closely and you’ll understand what I am saying. The guitar solos embedded in the track are a bit on the lower side of volume. And then, the louder solo kicks in. This one is a Happy Rock Song with even the Happy Oh ho ho. The lyrics are again, quirky and a bit childish.

Aasman hai Neela Kyu
Paani Geela Geela Kyu
Gol Kyu Hai Zameen

Silk main hai Narmi Kyu
Aag main hai Garmi Kyu
Do aur Do Paanch Kyu Nahi

Try singing these lines and I am sure you’ll fall in love with this song. Much like a Nursery rhyme with a bass track, a drum beat, a rhythm guitar to go with and a guitar solo. I would say, not a very good opener to a Killer album, but yeah, kinda good.

So there you have it. My verdict: GO BUY IT. It is Rock as you would expect, and Bollywood music as you would never. Few things are still unexplored- may be darker themes for a rock song, a punk sound and perhaps, even an instrumental track. But then, you know how demanding I can be. Heroes of the soundtrack- Farhan Akhtar, Shankar Ehsaan Loy, Dominique, and definitely Suraj Jaggan. I’ll go with 3.5 stars out of 5 for this one .

It is not exaggarating at all to say that this can be called the DIL CHAHTA HAI of the year. It is dew fresh, it is immensely enjoyable and entertaining minus any form of saccharine or sugar coated romance (which has been almost synonymous with Bollywood). JAANE TU is a breathe of fresh air with a ton load of mint. And the best part of it is, it doesn’t act as a tailor made launch vehicle for Imraan Khan (unlike the other debut releasing this week, yeah the 2050 movie) , but as a whole ensemble entertainer with the perfect choice of actors to play the characters- some unknown, and some very familiar. And oh yes, Jaane Tu is not the debut for Imraan only. It also marks the debut for Pratiek Babbar (son of late Smita Patil) and welcomes back to the screen -Anooradha Patel, Kitu Gidwani and frames Naseeruddin Shah as Ajay Singh Rathod in a painting. Beat that!

Now where do I begin. Of course, from the oil pastel effects when the opening credits are shown. Love all around you in different hues as Rahman’s Jazz settles you down. You need 5 seconds at best to feel it, the smile on your face emerges and you just know it, that this is going to be good. And good it is not, it is GREAT. Of course, we are by now swept by the melody of “Kabhi Kabhi Aditi” to that extent that I have become a bit repulsive to it. But the movie brought it all back. The movie also has a secret character in it- and that is BOMBAY- the roads wet with rain, and reflecting back the streetlights, the necklace at Marine Drive, Santacruz Airport, and well, St.Xavier’s picturesque Basketball court. I say -”Aise main Koi Kaise NAA Muskuraye” (How can one not smile at this ). The cinematography is simply put - brilliant.

Next up: Casting Dir. Pakhi. Give her all the adjectives ..the good ones. Excellent job. Because it doesn’t matter if a good actor has got enough footage or not enough lines to speak. It is if he/she can make an impact in even a 2 second appearance. Kitu Gidwani and Rajat Kapoor play the unhappy couple and just a 2 minute conversation is enough for you to believe. Jayant Kripalani and  Anooradha Patel on the other hand come across as the coolest parents. Sounds and seems true. Ratna Pathak Shah and Naseeruddin Shah play Imraan’s parents. Ratna Pathak is the “Professor turned Naari Shakti” types which suits her to the last inch. And well, what can I say about Mr.Shah. Even in an oil painting, he is able to infuse life. He speaks, I listen, I laugh and then I applaud. Even the silly Khan Bros as Marlboro Men from Ranjhor made me chuckle with the AID..a.S joke. And yes, it is a welcome relief when Paresh Rawal is not considered as the Dean of Comic Affairs and not handed over with the entire comedy department.

As for the new league of actors included, the one that stands out the most has to be Jiggy (Jignesh Patel) played by Nirav Mehta, a typical Gujju in the gang of pals, who naturally stands out with his streaks and off-beat fashion and of course his accent ( Says Sushant as Soo..saant). Stereotype you say, I know a few exact ones in real. The nicknames are even fresh-Bombs, Meow, Rats, Rotlu, Jiggy. Damn it feels like back in college and it feels good. Only that we had a couple of Non veg suffixes and prefixes. But not to forget, in a very short screentime, Prateik Babbar manages to leave a mark. He feels very confident onscreen and doesn’t try to go overboard.And well, Manjari does manage to make my heart skip a beat. As for Soo..sant (actor name unknown), he is the daftest prick ever. Or so did Mr.Tyrewalla intend him to be. And it is these set of actors which give all the moments in the movie, from the Hum Paanch-esque picture talking, to the Gujju Surprise Birthday party, to the three doctrines of Ranjhors. I will not reveal anymore.

And when it comes to the dazzling part, it is indeed the lead pair which scorches the screen. First up,Imraan. The only actor to have showed his butt on Indian cinema (in Jo Jeeta Wahi Sikander, source: Channel V interview), Imraan is no lame ass actor making a debut on a Chacha Jaan’s publicity boat. Imraan lives the role with the same credibility as Chachajaan Aamir’s Aakash of Dil Chahta Hai . And thank God, that we are finally over actors aged 40 playing college kids. For a time, I started believing that all actors were doing their PhD and somehow their research work dissertation got stolen. Imraan is a charm to see, not at all methodical, and very real. Of course, half of the credit goes to the director Mr.Abbas Tyrewalla and the writer-Mr.Abbas Tyrewalla. Genelia on the other hand, as the chirpy, over the top types, loud gal of the gang is again very real and is not at all filmsy (you know when reel tries to copy real and in an attempt to spice things up makes the curry inedible). My favorite scene of Aditi is when she enters her bro-Amit’s room for the first time. Her eyes gleam with awe as her mouth silently utters -Whaddaaff….precious. That’s how real it gets. Her yuppiness, envy, anger and most importantly confusion is all visible in her eyes. And damn! she does it so effortlessly. Bravo Bravo!!

To wind up, I’d just say “go watch this one”. Because we have all seen this done before, but never before in such a way. Yeah , another college romance. Yeah, another- boy meets girl-boy and girl confused and fall for someone else-and realisation at climax-boy and girl come of age to unite-kinda story. Yeah, in the words of Mr.James Hetfield -So F***ing What!! You’ll love the narrative and the style of story telling, much like Mala did in the climax and hugged Genelia saying Meow, even when she hasn’t met them even once. And you’d for sure be singing-Tera Mujhse Hai Pehle Ka Naata Koi, without caring for your pitch and scale.

BAND PROMOTION PICS FROM RECORDING ROOM AFTER THE JUMP

Venue: Sound Ideaz Studio run by Nitin Joshi
The band is already there since 3 pm trying hard to put together the drum setup. But then, the mixing of Brute Force’s next track is on. So plans are a bit postponed. And then, the clock have now been set up to start ticking at 4:20 pm. Nice choice. Drums setting up starts. The quest for the perfect bass, and THE sound on the tom is on. Muting, tuning, taping, cushioning with extra pink pillows, tightening of screws (or screwing em up) and getting rid of the extra toing. It takes an extra hour and it  almost consumes three hours to get it done right (not to forget, we had a fun jam inside the studio and then finally realised that we were being charged by the hour, and that before we could actually settle down and record a thing, the Rags are already been charged a cool 1000 bucks). But then, the Rags wont stop until the perfect sound is achieved. Such a bunch of perfectionists. (A slight element of promotional stunt, given that these guys are my close pals, but what the heck, they even made me a pseudo publicist and promised me two meals of chicken for this post).

Drums all set to roll. Gyan takes his Throne. Headphones on. Mirrors tilted to see the reflection from the mixing room. Nitin on the Mac. Guys ready with their instruments for the demo take. The plan was to go one by one. The order to be followed was: Drums >> Bass >> Rhythm Guitars >> Lead Guitars >> Vocals . Gyan gives the cue, and we ROLL. A taste of the lyrics is given below.

Worlds movin, but on really slow feet
tryin to keep time, its missin a beat
an ol black n white
I wanna paint it, i wanna paint it in speed

I dont even let the wind set the pace
gonna overtake the storm and set the chase
gotta make every moment a raceday out here
i leather my skin, i get ready to race

(pre-chorus)
and theres that sign ahead that says go slow
never cared to know what the fuck that means
have seen them lights all red n yellow
but i dig only … i dig green …

(chorus)

I…. get on the devils ride,
kick up dust … leather my stride
blazin wheels … better watch your side
coz I…. m doin the devils ride

First take of drums- a bit flawed. First take was a bit of a disaster as everyone didn’t seem ready. The guitars went out of control and so everyone was shut down. But surprisingly, the tempo is a bit on the higher side than the one in the rehearsals. And it sounds GOOD. Gyan hits for take 2 and it goes goo..oood until the last 20 seconds when his headphones fell off. Take 3..and we are done with the drums. Best part in a band is when everyone knows his flaws through and through. We listened the entire drums track closely and carefully, and couldn’t deduce any flaw until Mr.Gyan pointed it out. And with some help from Nitin’s mixing skills, drums are served on the platter. Next up :Dean Vaz on the Bass (try to say it as a rhyme).

Dean on the bass, goes easy and smooth. Just a bit of improvisation required and with instructions from Jhinga, Vats, Parag and Nitin, job is done. And yes, it looked as easy as it sounds here. Very smooth.
And we are almost four hours into the clock. Now the debate for recording the rhythm guitars:- whether to go for direct Line Out Recording, or go for the Amplifiers. Vatsal knows it best. Amps it is. And we enter the studio again. Oh yes, I forgot to mention, Gyan is already out of the room, and is puffin some smoke of the tobacco kind.

Vatsal settles down, overcomes his stage fright, leaves all his worries of Project deadlines and attritions behind, and gathers the confidence to PERFORM. Must be the Hide n Seek and Cashew Nut Good Day that he ate (You guys I spent 25 bucks  on that). First take- Vats not satisfied. Second take : went well until he looked up through the looking glass and saw Alice…no I meant Jh***a. Third take: Job Done…or was it the seventh? Parag is in next. The Rhythm parts to be filled first. Done. Solos in the verse part, Done. Intro Solo..one take ..Done. Outro Solo..Done. The solo part where the spotlights are to be on on Parag..3 takes. Done.

Last but not the least, Mr.Jh***a  (Abhishek Jha) takes control of the microphone. He entered, he made some mistakes, he corrected em and was then beaten to pulp. Why do I keep deviating? Must be too much of Korean gore that I have been watching lately. The recording on the other hand went smooth, quite.
And then, it was up to the Man to make the pieces fit perfectly. Mr. Nitin Joshi. And so he did. With regular inputs on the volume levels, the punching in and punching out,etc. after almost 5 and a half hours of clock time, Devil’s Ride was ready to ROCK THE WORLD. Go here to the Myspace Page of Wagon Rags to listen to the Track. I have the MP3 but they won’t let me upload it here for download.

Bonus Track :Live recording in two takes: Tie Your Mother Down: Original Artistes- Queen
Long story short: Signed, Sealed ,Delivered. Hear me in the Chorus. LOL.
CD Burned: Thanks Steve Jobs for the Mac. Thanks Sujoy for the cookies. Thanks Nitin Joshi and Sound Ideaz.

PROMOTIONAL PICTURES AS PROMISED ABOVE:

The Pseudo Band Manager / Publicist

Photographs Exclusive to : OneKnightStands

CONTACT for Band: wagonrags [at] gmail [dot] com

MySpace Page: myspace.com/wagonsrags

The Incredible Hulk begins with a quick recap of the origin. The experiment which went wrong, the gamma ray radiation which turned the scientist into Mr.Green Frankie and injures every one in the goddamn lab including the general whose secret mission is to upscale the biological experiment to a superhuman weapon, and whose daughter is two timing between a college prof and Banner. Banner on the other hand is on the run, hiding in Brazil and keeping a low profile working in a fruit juice bottling plant. Thank God, the Hulk has finally entered international territory. He travels through the jungles of Brazil to the waterfalls of Guatemala. Oh yeah!! And then Mr.Banner also gets to sport a hoodie with a baseball cap. And the chase with the US army is very ‘bourne like’. And yes, probably Norton himself is quite disturbed by the biggest question facing HULK- Why don’t his pants tear open? Norton tries to convince the viewers with his shopping choice of stretchy pants shown on the borders of Mexico. And yeah, after every ‘Incident’ we see Banner holding on to his pants in the waist region trying to hold em from falling off. I am convinced. Now don’t overdo it.

Next best thing: The sexual tension between Banner and his lady love finally gets to explode. Ms Liv Tyler has no problem getting a taste of the radioactive ahem ahem. But then Bruce Banner is a self righteous man. And he doesn’t want to risk having Hulk juniors and also has questions on the durability of Durex. And so when the beeper beeps its time to take retreat.But yes, as the climax suggests, Mr.Banner has mastered the techniques of Baba Ramdev’s Kapal Bharati and hence can do things at will. As in he can be Hulk when he wants to save the day and back to Banner when its time to save the Night.

Third Best thing: Hulk has an affection for Metal. Now the Hulk bashing Metal Plates (Huge Ones) like the Monkey Toy with Bangs Bangs is gonna be the next rage in the merchandise world. Gone are the days of the Monkey. It is such a sight to see Hulk bang the metal plates and even try to repel the Sonic Booms. Even shows, that behind the Green Brute is a Scientist who knows how to fight Physics with Physics. Not only that, he applies laws of Vibration to extinguish Fire, uses centripetal force of revolving bodies for his advantage, and yes finally propagation of energy waves in crests and troughs (I am done with my keywords of Laws of Vibration, now can I have my degree?) And yes, while the Nemesis didn’t think it essential considering the fabric material of his pants before entering the operating room, who’s laughing now?

Only bad thing: The action is all good, the scenes are nicely written, but somehow, the Hulk still looks too CGI for me. I mean, ok we still can’t replicate the exact facial human expressions, and yes, they have done a pretty good job. But still, the closeup on the monster is UNREAL. And yeah, what’s with the suspense in the Opening Scene. Is the Hulk a bit of camera shy that he has to be enveloped in smoke until he gets really pissed to growwl? And no, the rumors are wrong. No Captain America.

Last Best Thing: “We are forming a Team”-Tony Stark

Rule no 1: We have to begin with the name. Shakespeare said,”What’s in a name?” Little did he know that centuries later, we would call him “Hilti Hui Nashpattee” or even change the first half of his last name to a 3 lettered word ending with an X. Anyway, the point is, the name plays a very vital role in the product placement. Names like Bhoot(ghost) or Pretaatma (similar meaning) just won’t work in Bbolly. Bbolly demands for graphic explanation. Best example is the latest flick at Alankar cinema: Bachke Rehna Zara Bhoot Bangle Main (Stay alert in the ghost house). Other popular Titles include: Pyaasi Padosan (Thirsty Neigbour). Sorry that was not a horror flick. We have many names named after Havelis and Mahals and Bunglows.But the ones which make it to my list are, Khoon Ki Pyaasi Dayan (The Lady Ghost who is Thristy of Blood) and Haveli Ke Peeche (Behind the Mansion). Other formats include description of timelines (Bees Saal Bad, Sau Saal Baad etc. 20 years later, A hundred years later etc )
Corollary to Rule 1: If name is to be kept short, set the mood right.
Ask the Ramsays. They know it best when it comes to naming movies after ambience/environment.
Start with the sound, go for the building, then a specific room and then doors. Next add an adjective.Ghungroo Ki Awaaz, Daak Bangla, Tahkhana,Guest House,Darwaza,Bandh Darwaza.(The sounds of the Ghungroo, The Bunglow, The Dungeon, Guest House– that you got, The Door, Closed Door) That’s what I meant!!

Rule no 2. Heroine who is to be possessed/reborn/killed/raped…reborn again should be willing. No Bbolly Horror movie is complete without its perfect seductress. And if she does not fit in the sari, she must be Guddi Maruti . But our main protagonist (I would never call her the heroine) must have a shower scene of her own and she should not feel self conscious about it. Her white sari should proudly represent Tide Ki Safedi and her eyes should speak her underlying lust…of blood.
Corollary to Rule 2: To the witch, there’s a bitch. The main protagonist is the one who is troubled and perhaps haunted/possesed by the raped soul. And well , the plot demands a lot of other useless women (who originally couldn’t be turned down because the producer had to return back their favor) who are not as comfortable in a white sari. So what happens to them. They get killed in the lift, in the swimming pool, in the bus and oh yes, on the bed,in the middle of ..you know what. They start feeling uneasy , what their faces give is an expression that bears the proximity to acute constipation. And all of a sudden Mr.editor replaces her face with a layer of blended flour and egg yolk, with lumps. And the Oscars for Best “Make Up” goes to…

Rule no 3. Rape scenes choreographed by Ranjeet. Ranjeet’s resume reads 250 rape….attempts. 15 successful onscreen rapes. He owes all 15 of them to the Bbolly flicks. Coz, typically when he tries to loot the izzat of the Heroes’ sister, the Hero would beat the crap out of him just nanoseconds before the endurance limit of the blouse is about to be hit. But things are different in Bbolly land.Ranjeet is at ease and he plays by his own rules. It doesn’t matter if the ghost is gonna come back to avenge her rape. It is pretty normal. In fact, Mr.Ranjeet feels blessed as the one who is the genesis of the Bbolly scary story.

Corollary: Other unsuccessful attempters. Deepak Parashar -best remembered as the other guy in Nikaah ( that Salma Agha film with Dil Ke Armaan Aaso song, yeah the nasal tone and the red lips), or if you don’t wish to go back that far, he did a daily soap called Swabhimaan (written by Shobha De and directed by Mahesh Bhatt) and played the role of Mahen Malhotra. Now Deepak’s resume reads:- Work Ex in Bbolly:

• Loyal to the heroine until she gets raped and dies.
• Made Love to Ghost in disguise
• Unsuccessful attempt at killing the tantrik coz it was meant for the Hero, played by Navin Nischol.

(I know I’m just flashing names from here and there, just to paint a very stereotype picture. But what the heck! You know you’re enjoying this)

Rule 4. Viju Khote dies first. He has to. He is the official guniea pig when it comes to ghosts. When the ghosts are out in their experimental mode, and kinda discovering their talents and skillsets, they know where to go. Viju Khote it is. And how? Easy. Disguise as the seductress in a wet sari (Producer shouts: Where is the rain machine?). Ring the bell. Mr.Khote opens his door. Editor cuts short the conversation. Next scene. Viju Khote running in the corridoor which has red lights on. Special credits to the lights department to have disguised the AATA (flour batter) to be some kinda lump of flesh.
Corollary : A shower scene before Viju Khote’s death drama. So, does he die in peace?

Rule 5: Sound Department Hoshiyaar. (Alert Sound department)

Broken Window Panes, Wooden Doors with rusted hinges, and the shaky beds in the Haveli. Sounds like that condom ad. Forget the shaky beds, and you have the trademark ambience created. Include the rustling leaves of autumn, the candles that get extinguished by the winds and the chandelier’s that tingle. Not to forget, if the ghost was a dancer ( some Ramsay movies were elaborate on characterization),there could be Ghungroo Ki Chhan Chhan as well. Last but not the least, when our ghost walks, there’s the mind numbing operatic background score of a lady singing in her falsetto, apparently for the last time ( because as legend has it, the Ramsays killed her, so that she wouldn’t record it for someone else).
Corollary: Candles, Paintings, Scrolls, Curtains,Torn Saris, Stuff written on Bricks, Screams (how could I forget that), Basins and Bathtubs, White Porcelain overflowing with Red Liquid posed as Blood.

Rule 6: The perfect cast.
Part 1: The prelim group to be killed within the first 15 minutes of appearance. Typically this group consists of the young legion of Bollywood who couldn’t make it when they grew. e.g. When Master Mayur became Mr.Mayur, he landed with a role when he has to go for a picnic.Torrential rain and sudden vehicle breakdown forces him to put up for the night in an “Anjaan Haveli”, (the unknown Mansion) oh of course with her girlfriend (or sometimes may be not, it’s all complicated , to many ifs and butts). And then you have joining him for the second round of khoon kharaba, another group which we’ll call Part 1 beta.
Part 2: The watchman of the Haveli is an RJD supporter,(an Indian Political Party-Rashtriya Janata Dal, which has the election symbol of the Lantern) coz he never leaves without a 1968 model lantern. Little do the viewers know, that he is secretly associated with Part 3 of the cast.
Part 3. The tantrik and his petdemon. The tantrik is a cross between Baba Ramdev and a Reggae Singer. He is typically bald and the circumference of his gut is directly proportional to the height of his Pet Demon. The Pet Demon has a height greater than 6.5 feet, and a facial structure which has close proximity to a homo erectus. This demon is particularly used to tease the lady ghost but more than often gets killed by the Hero.
Part 4: The good guys and the Hero. The Hero has only one mission. Save his girlfriend from being possessed/ Kill the Lady Ghost/ Free her tormented Soul. He takes help from he Local Tantrik until he discovers his evil plans ( of making the lady ghost marry his demon and have a happy ending). He then goes to the police only to be laughed off (By police we mean Jadhish Raj, who else).And then, last but not the least the Father from the nearest Church who protects him with the Cross. This actually proves Rule 7.

Rule 7: Ghosts are Dharm-Nirpeksh, as in secular.
It doesn’t matter if the lady who died to become the ghost was named Rajni or Razia or Rachelle. Makes perfect sense that she is shit scared of the Holy Water as she is scared by the Holy Koran or the Bhagvad Gita, or even the Hanuman Chalisa. More than often, she is brought to justice by the tri-force of the Holy Books and add to that the Holy Cross and Hanuman Chalisa chanting.
Corollary: Tantrik chanting is always in Sanskrit. Words like Chamunda, Swaaha are mandatory and a Yagya as well.

I know this list is not exhaustive, but wel I have tried to cover almost all that I can remember as of now, at 2:49 am . I will try and be back with a sequel ( more like a Band Darwaza to a Darwaza). And if you are getting inquisitive about what happened to the Ramsay Bros. (India’s answer to Coen Bros. No, it is not Abbas Mustan), they have been making all those Friday Night TV horror stuff, saving costs of Eastmancolor Processing and well , invested it in a movei they made after a long long time. The movie was called Dhund:The Fog. I call it Jhund: The Fock. It stands nowhere close to their absolute classics like Samri, Tahkhana and my favorite: Veerana. It is indeed good to know that none of these names carried the English Tail explaining the tale. Thank God it was Veerana and not Veerana -the Wilderness.(Special Mention: Veerana features Hemant Birje as the Hero, best known as the Bollywood Tarzan who romanced Kimi Katkar as the Bolly Jane.) By the way the comments section is open for you to shout,Hail VHS.

(Sad story to wrap up. Gopinath, the local cinema , is now redone as a marriage hall. Eventually , it lost its audience to the Web 2.0)

Image Courtesy: HotSpotOnline Desi Horror

If you love the movies, you better watch Be Kind Rewind.I am completely swept, Sweded and absolutely blown away. And if I may say, this is what movies should be in the first place. Let’s leave the reviewing part for a while, and take this moment to praise the creative genius that Mr. Michel Gondry is. He has given us one of the most heart wrenching romantic movies of all time (Eternal Sunshine..) and here, he has set out to do a light hearted movie, casted Jack Black and Mos Def in the lead, which even has an uncanny premise to it. Almost silly you might presume. But what happens next is best described as Brilliant with a capital B. And I really don’t care what the ratings are, what the critics say. In a year where the movies are divided into two segments chronologically- Summer Blockbusters and Thanksgiving season, there comes a movie which retells the tale and brings the moral upfront- that movies were all about the heart more than the moolah. And mind you, it IS inspirational in ways more than a million.The plot is pretty much present in a lot of websites already, and so wouldn’t at all qualify as a spoiler if I mention it here. Neither would it matter, because you really HAVE to watch this one to get what I say. Now listen carefully James!

Elroy Fletcher runs a video store which faces a demolition notice. In hope to get back in business he sets out to spy on the business of DVD rental chains while he leaves the store under the supervision of Mike (Mos Def). In a power plant mishap, Mike’s friend Jerry (Jack Black) gets magnetised (don’t think it’s silly, it IS SILLY, but yeah what the heck). He leaves all the VHS tapes in the store blank, and when the store’s (which is named Be Kind Rewind) most loyal customer-Miss Falewicz (Mia Farrow) asks for a tape of Ghostbusters, to ensure that she doesn’t complain to Fletcher, Mike and Jerry decide on making a version of Ghostbusters of their own. And so the journey begins. Yeah I know, the initial 30 minutes are a bit mediocre, so you really need to sit through it please, because it has all been built up for the moments you are going to experience next.

Ghostbusters -Sweded, here we come. What’s next? Mike says: I’m Bill Murray, you’re everybody else. Haha!! Ghostbusters version Sweded features hanging books, silver foils, the perfect location of a library, and even a soundtrack

Walking down the street
You see a little Ghost
What you’re gonna do about Ghostbusters

And with help from fellow assistant mechanic, smart photocopies, and final minute dubbing, Ghostbusters is ready in the Bootleg Sweded version. What Jerry n Mike did not know was that they were about to begin their journey of film making and explore/swede movies on demand of their local neighbourhood. YAYYYYY!!! And next level: Jerry refuses to kiss Wilson (required in an intimate scene of Rush Hour 2 sweded) and hence they start hunting for a female lead who is equally creative in all aspects and even has the negotiating powers of a movie producer. And once Jerry gets demagentised, they all need to get back to making some more movies. The list contains 2001:A Space Odyssey, Robocop, Men in Black and on and on and on. The only little complaint here is that the sweding procedure is being skimmed through. I would have loved to watch some more of it. Especially for King Kong and LOTR (both done by Peter Jackson, coincidence). The MIB stuff was really smart and you have to see it to believe. Well, I have included it in the screenshots below. And yes we know that Rush Hour has become a franchise now in a way, but it is not an integral part of our pop culture. Not enough to be sweded at least! I did like the Chinese Bamboo strong enough parody. LOL.

Fletcher returns to find that his video store has become the hub of a community video production which is doing way better business than it ever did. But he still faces a demolition deadline. They have to reach a target revenue of 60,000 USD ,and how do they do it? Make some more movies, fast and short. So they involve the local community to be a part of it. But then copyright infringement and IPR enforcement officials pay a visit and it is payback time. Fletcher has lost everything. His store faces demolition, the sweded movies are run over by a bulldozer as Mike and Jerry watch and they even face a lawsuit. But Jerry doesn’t give up , and they decide to make an original one. One of their own local hero - Jazz pianist Fast Waller. And this is where the movie moves from being just fun to a Big Tribute - to Filmmaking at its crude and unpolished best. Seven Days to shoot a biopic. And the process just narrates the cool factor of making movies, of creating stories that speak, and making people a part of the entire process in many ways.Not so surprisingly, I was instantly reminded of the school plays I had been involved with, mostly in the script part. It inspires and educates you about the passion, dedication and love required to understand this art form and that it is ART to make movies, perhaps way more than an oil paint, and that moving pictures tell better stories and they can make you laugh, cry, smile and experience and express jubilance even when life is tough. That is why movies still exist in a world where we have numerous options of escapism. That is why we Love Movies.

The climax is a bit incomplete because we do not get to know what happens of Be Kind Rewind. But then it would be silly to have a fairy tale happy ending, and hence better kept open. And when movies move me, I can’t help clapping, and even giving a very desi-seetee (whistle blow). This movie deserved three of it!! Just forget all the logic if magnetism can be drained away in pee. Forget Sigourney Weaver.Have a look at JB.Jack Black does what he does best, and minus the irritating overdose of fart jokes (which I love except when it is just way too much ). He reminds me of his other ‘really good’ movie- High Fidelity. This is the High Fidelity of VHS. LOL. Mos Def is just so much fun to watch. But the winning vote goes to Mr.Gondry for giving us a winner which not only entertains us through and through, but even somehow made me rework on my budget to buy a handycam. Youtube here I come!! Till the time I replace Spielberg and Tarantino you enjoy the screenshots.

Screenshots Here.

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